It’s Soccer… Sort Of
In Soccer Dash: Football Simulator, you don’t control a player—you are the ball. You aim, charge, and kick your way through 46 near-identical levels, dodging obstacles and cartoonish defenders while navigating mini golf-style mazes.
It’s an idea that could be fun in quick bursts. But the game doesn’t evolve. It doesn’t challenge. It doesn’t respect your time—or your money.
“I had everything unlocked in under 30 minutes. And I wasn’t even rushing.”
One Mechanic, Zero Innovation
The game’s main feature is slow motion. You pull back on the left stick to charge a shot, then press “A” to kick. This triggers a slo-mo effect that helps you line up your path.
You can spam this mid-air, meaning you can basically cheese your way through any obstacle. There’s no scoring, no timing challenges, no tracking—just kick, coast, repeat.
“There’s nothing to master. No skill ceiling. Just a skill floor you never need to leave.”
Touchless on a Touchscreen?
This game screams “mobile port,” but bafflingly, there are no touch controls on the Switch. For a game all about tapping direction and momentum, it’s a strange omission—and one that makes it feel half-finished.
The UI is also barebones. Your only options in the settings menu? Mute sound and mute music. That’s it.
World Cup Without the Cup
The “World Cup” mode lets you choose from dozens of country flags and compete with a CPU through a 4–5 match sequence. Sounds exciting—but you win nothing, there are no rankings, and the matches don’t feel any different from normal levels.
It’s a mode that exists just to exist.
Skins Don’t Save It
There are 16 unlockable “ball skins,” some with minor perks like more speed or coin bonuses. One of them is a literal golf ball that’s immune to traps. But they don’t add depth. If anything, they make the already-too-easy game even easier.
“The skins are cute. But when your game is this thin, cosmetics aren’t a fix.”
Sound Effects: One Size Fits All
The sound design feels as lazy as the level design. Every ball—whether it’s a beach ball, a steel ball, or a soccer ball—makes the same dull thud when kicked or deflated. No variation. No charm. No immersion.
Final Thoughts: A Game That Barely Tries
Soccer Dash: Football Simulator is what happens when a clever core idea gets lost in poor execution. There’s potential in controlling the ball and navigating puzzle-like soccer mazes, but this game simply does not care to do more than the bare minimum.
No par system. No level variety. No rewards. No difficulty curve. No sound diversity. No joy.
Score: 2/10 – Painfully Basic
It feels like an early mobile prototype rushed onto a console marketplace—without even bothering to implement touch controls on a touchscreen system. It isn’t offensively bad. It’s just lazily made and quickly forgotten.
“You won’t hate it. But you definitely won’t remember it.”
Soccer Dash: Football Simulator – Fact Sheet
Release date: July 23, 2025 (Switch Store March 6, 2025)
Reviewed on: Nintendo Switch
Developed by: [Developer name not specified]
Published by: Upscale Studio
Platform(s): Nintendo Switch
Disclosure: I received a free review copy of this product from Keymailer. All thoughts and opinions in this review are my own.
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Author
Dylan Lepore is a multimedia professional, entrepreneur, and lifelong gamer who’s passionate about blending creativity with strategy. As the founder of LeporeMedia and The Part-Time Gamer, and the Business Manager at Port City Architecture, Dylan brings a unique mix of storytelling, design, and business savvy to everything he does. He lives in Portland, Maine with his fiancée.
Dylan Lepore 